chasingproverbs

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This song and the words…the words. Remember hearing it for the first time a few months ago. Some friends told me to listen to it. Balled my eyes out when I finally heard it. At the time some of the words said for me everything I had been processing through and feeling for months. I think we’ve all been here, and when you’re hurt, whether how you feel is based on truth or not…the pain is real. It’s hard to trust again when trust has been broken, and as much as you want to will yourself into trusting, it’s a process and sometimes time just isn’t in your favor, and it tears something apart.

                                             ”Resentment”

I wish I could believe you then I’ll be alright
But now everything you told me really don’t apply
To the way I feel inside
Loving you was easy once upon a time
But now my suspicions of you have multiplied
And it’s all because you lied

[Chorus:]
I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I haven’t tried to forget this
But I’m much too full of resentment

Just can’t seem to get over the way you hurt me
Don’t know how you gave another who didn’t mean a thing, no
The very thing you gave to me
I thought I could forgive you and I know you’ve changed
As much as I wanna trust you I know it ain’t the same
And it’s all because you lied

[Chorus:]
I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I haven’t tried to forget this
But I’m much too full of resentment

I may never understand why
I’m doing the best that I can and I
I tried and I tried to forget this
I’m much too full of resentment

I’ll never forget feeling like I was no good
Like I couldn’t do it for you like your mistress could
And it’s all because you lied

[Bridge:]
Loved you more than ever
More than my own life
The best part of me I gave you
It was sacrificed
And it’s all because you lied

[Chorus:]
I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I tried and I tried to forget this
But I’m too damn full of resentment

I know she was attractive but I was here first
Been ridin’ with you for six years why did I deserve
To be treated this way by you, you
I know your probably thinking what’s up with Bee
I been crying for too long what did you do to me
I used to be so strong but now you took my soul
I’m crying can’t stop crying can’t stop crying
You could’ve told me that you weren’t happy
I know you didn’t wanna hurt me
But look what you’ve done to me now
I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she’s had half of me
She ain’t even half of me
Look at what you’ve done to me
And it’s all because you lied
How could you lie

Writing is like taking out the garbage

To me, writing is like taking out the garbage. At the same time it’s like opening up a fridge, smelling something hideous and not knowing where the smell is coming from. To the eyes everything within the fridge looks perfectly fine but to find the source of the smell, you have to open and close containers, shift some things around, and even sniff things. However when you finally find the source of the odor, you feel great. Your fridge has returned back to it’s normal state.

Similarly…

When experiencing pain, it is one thing to write about it and another thing to too find the “right” words to describe exactly how you feel. That sometimes means writing all of the things you don’t feel. However, as you go through the contents of the heart, you eventually uncover the source of pain. Which sometimes means writing things, although true, you may not be in a place to believe yet. It’s so easy to write the noble and most right thing, when the pain is present, hiding and lingering far beyond its expiration date in your heart. Yet, when you finally take out the garbage, getting rid of surface emotions and write down words that you feel so deeply within yourself, good or bad… it’s freeing. It is absolutely liberating to the soul.

GRIEF…it gets easier…I PROMISE YOU!

Getting over something or someone is a process. It takes time, it takes having grace for yourself when going through really difficult situations. I think it is also very important to acknowledge what God is trying to teach you when going through trials and tribulations. These past few months there has been quite a bit I have been learning about dealing and healing from being hurt. I, however, unusual to me, for whatever reason am unable to process in a paragraph type form, and although I am still struggling like MAJOR to do all of the following things listed below, they are just some of the things I am learning when it comes to “grieving” relationships, aka “ugh…sucks, sucks, sucks, I hate this” times. Maybe you can relate:

1) Don’t take the way another person deals with grief personally. Yeah it may have something to do with you, but doesn’t mean that person hates you. They may just not know how to treat you cordially. I mean maybe they are just an ass, but I prefer seeing the best in people and figure more often than not they are just hurt and deal with their hurt differently.

2) It takes conscious effort to STOP THINKING SO MUCH about the should’ve, could’ve, would’ve scenarios. Let those thoughts go NOW, then let them go a few seconds, minutes, hours and days later when they come up, because boy will they come up again and again. 

3) Have grace for yourself and be kind to yourself. Thinking about the could’ve, should’ve, or would’ve is a mere sign that you cared. That’s awesome! Each day you will have to let go and let God, but in time you’ll realize your thoughts don’t wander as far as they used to and there is peace.

4) Quit with the constant chatter…yeah it was great to talk to everyone and anyone about your heartache when it happened but at the same time, I’m learning you never should be talking to people more than you’re talking to God. Practice telling Him what your thinking. This also helps prevent rumors from starting. I’ll admit, I am a verbal processor and talk a lot, but I’m learning sometimes the best remedy to moving on is…shutting up. Or at least talking to a few trustworthy people. This point is definitely not my strong suit. 

5) Talking to the person who broke your heart or hurt you doesn’t help. You may think, “If I can just say this to him or her I’ll feel better”. Umm…sorry, but no you won’t. One more conversation will not help you most of the time. It will leave you with more questions and less answers. Use wisdom before sparking a conversation and make sure if you’re going to talk…you’ve really thought out what you want to say, and that you can say it with love. 

6) Yeah maybe they still like you, love you, shoot and maybe none of the above. Maybe they have moved on. Sadly, it doesn’t matter. If you were supposed to be with them today or yesterday…you would have been, and if you’re supposed to be with them 5 years from now, you will be.

However…

7) Having faith doesn’t mean putting your trust in a situation going the way you want it too, unless God told you exactly how it would go, so let go of anything apart from His will. In fact, true faith is putting your trust in God and His word. Trusting IN HIM that no matter what happens, he’s in control. Not in believing that the situation will happen this way or that way. Well what if it doesn’t? Ask yourself who your faith is in. If your hope is in the mountain and the mountain crumbles, then you’ll crumble with it. Yet, if your hope is in God and the mountain crumbles…well God is still sovereign and well capable of building a new mountain. He can’t crumble and will NEVER crumble.

8) You’re beautiful, handsome, awesome, great. Sad, angry, frustrated, bitter…just depends on the day. Those who matter don’t mind and those who don’t matter will mind. Be kind to everyone to the best of your abilities, but who doesn’t wear their emotions on their sleeves when going through a tough time. Have grace for yourself and hopefully others will too. If they don’t, whatever…sounds harsh but better you grieve now than spend years grieving because you’re afraid of offending people.

9) Reading, writing, and arithmetic. Find ways to express yourself or surround yourself with positive thoughts, words and people. Watch positive videos, read positive books yet understand there is no formula too grief. Doing this or that plus this or that will not always equal a whole and healed heart. Again…have grace for yourself and be okay with needing time. Don’t base how you grieve off of what others say or fill your heart with things that make you hope in the wrong things.

10) Do what makes you happy, but do it for yourself and not for the approval of others. Trust me, this has been super tough for me. However, it’s a day to day process…just see #2. 

11) Love God.

12) Love yourself.

13) Love others.

14) Love your life.

15) Live your life.

and…

16) Repeat.

Just some of the lessons I am learning this season of life. I’ll admit I don’t like a lot of these lessons because in my perfect little head, I would be conquering the world no grief in sight with a companion by my side, but I’m definitely riding solo. None the less, hope it helps you in some way.

Embrace the grieving process. Jump into the waves and ride them out. However, be sure to bring Jesus in for the ride. I guarantee that those salty and tumultuous waves will somehow and oddly cleanse you. If He brought you to it, He will bring you through it. 

May you find cleansing waters in life’s most tumultuous waves.

Much love,

Eunice

Alone but not forsaken

David’s life teaches me so much about what it means to be a leader. As I read through the final chapters of I Samuel I saw a man who spent a great part of his younger years running for his life. I am sure there were moments midst his running that he felt discouraged and unsure of the future. However I loved how God gave him the support of Samuel and Jonathan when he needed it most, in the earlier stages of his calling. The immediate moments that followed being anointed as the future King.

Now, although I never posted my thoughts on the amazing friendship Jonathan and David shared, I couldn’t help but feel inspired to pray to God to send me a friend or someone who like Jonathan is there to not only listen, but encourage me, and allow me the room to live in the emotions and fears I am facing in this season. I admired how Jonathan recognized David running and sought him out to encourage him in chapter 20 of I Samuel. Even despite his father’s beliefs and thoughts, Jonathan was loyal, and I also can’t help but pray that God enables me to be that kind of friend and leader in society my entire life. 

It is so interesting to me that Jonathan’s death comes almost as suddenly as his relationship with David started. In David’s most distraught stages of life God had placed the right people in his life to encourage him and remind him midst fear that he was called to be a king of thousands. So my true question was how David must have felt when not only Samuel passed away but in fact his best friend, comrade Jonathan. Where did David find his strength? Where did he find his courage? What made him a man after God’s own heart? Truth is he was naturally alone but spiritually God had not forsaken him, and I believe that despite the uncertainty certain strongholds may have brought him, one thing that David never failed to do was to seek God and run to God when his plan, his ways and his agenda failed. He lived his life freely but time after time as you read through the chapters of his life, David would pray, wait for an answer and then immediately move.  This is where I feel many of us including me mess up, doing the seeking without the living, maybe forgetting the obedience part. Doing the waiting but somehow forgetting the praying, or a combination of each of these things.

There is sincere truth in the saying that God has people in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime and I think sometimes it is easy to attach ourselves to those relationships rather than to the one who really gives each one of us a true purpose and depth, Jesus. David could have become depressed and in fact given up but he never lost sight of the fact that God is God. He praised God in the storm, he never forgot the goodness of God that was ever present in his life. He may have been physically alone but in fact he believed with all his heart that when mother and father forsook him God gave him hope (Psalm 27:10). Even midst the sorrow of losing a friend and even a mentor almost simultaneously David ran to Jesus and mourned at his feet. This illustration was something that comparatively reminded me of Jesus.

To be honest lately I’ve experienced moments where I have felt alone. I haven’t been too sure on how to express myself and quite frankly have a hard time trusting that those people who say they’ll be there for me, will actually be there. I sometimes test friendships hoping that the true friends will prove themselves and yet I end up hurting myself and pushing them away. Now it is hard to stop such a vicious cycle when you have a really hard time trusting people, and I’ll admit I am in the wrong for behaving this way and that too frustrates me, but let’s be honest and see who hasn’t felt this way before? Who is okay with the disappointments that may have come from ended or abusive relationships. So as a result I sabotage things myself, because it’s better things end on my terms than to be left abandoned, heart in and wondering what happened? Now, as I look at what I have confessed, I don’t see a person living like Jesus. And as I began to ponder on Jesus and his life, and his relationships I was left feeling humbled and assured that Jesus knew what I was experiencing, but handled his situations with total class and humility. How? Let me show you. 

Jesus had 12 disciples but I felt He was only really close to 3 of them Peter, James and John. Yet, even in being that close to them He was denied by Peter, betrayed by Judas, unrecognized by his disciples upon his Resurrection from the grave, never was visited by any of the men, nor his body taken care of by any of them after his death, he was abandoned by his friends and forgotten upon his death. Now I am not Jesus but in similar ways who hasn’t gone through similar issues in their lives? Your close friends forget your birthday, leave you out of an event they are all going to, you’ve proven your loyalty and yet you still feel as if they do not appreciate you, you’re constantly sacrificing yourself, your needs and your ideas for the betterment of the group, you’re a burden bearer and yet alone. You are constantly dying to yourself and nobody is there to help you…except Jesus.

I look at how easily Jesus could have become discouraged, frustrated and saddened by the mere fact that despite all the miracles He had performed, all the love He had shown others, He had to search them out and prove once again to them who He was. Hadn’t he shown the world His loyalty when He died on the cross. When He not only gave His life but paid the ultimate price for them and us all? But how great of an example Jesus is of a leader. In it all He did not do any of those things and in that He proved to me that although I may feel alone; although there may be times where the good you and I do in this world is not remembered by those who should remember and although you have to be strong enough to bear others burdens midst having your own, Jesus shows us that even in those moments if God is for us who can be against us.

There comes a point in all of our walks where all we might have to hold on to is the very promises of God. We may look around us and feel alone as if everyone around us is just to oblivious to the fact that we are emotionally distraught and having a hard time expressing the very heart and core of our struggle. Our crys for help seem to be misguided, misunderstood and we fail to reach out because quite frankly you have no idea how to even begin to express to anyone just how you feel. Your fears and troubles stretch far beyond what you even know and the thought of trying to understand that all ends in frustration and hopelessness. Not a fun place to be ever and so rather than stopping, we run. At least somehow we are seeing some results but even the most elite runners get tired and need to rest sometimes. 

Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Or as another translation of this verse says: We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.

How easily we forget that Jesus knows exactly how we we feel. He is the author of our stories, the perfecter of the imperfect. He has gone through life so that we might live. I encourage those of you who feel alone to press into Jesus and with his help continue living. Believing that the good that He has started in your life, He will perfect. Each day you wake up and your two feet hit the floor God has enabled you to live life again. You may have to prove your worth to people, you may have to show your wounds but God has got your back. Be strong and stay strong. The best is yet to come.

You are not forsaken.

-Eunice